Under Long Zaitian’s orders, Five Qilin Guards, disguised as escort guards, surrounded the ferocious tiger on the mountain to slay it and then bring its fur back to make a cushion for Emperor Yuansheng. While they weren’t combat experts, relatively speaking, they did undergo rigorous training, so five of them against one tiger should’ve given them a lopsided advantage. Yet, one growl from the black and white tiger turned their legs to jelly. Regardless, in the name of His Majesty’s buttocks, to battle they went.
In no time at all, there were only two stunned Qilin Guards still standing. The tiger was the size of an adult, therefore probably an infant tiger, yet it exhibited unbelievable dexterity. It didn’t bite them, but one claw attack was all it took to immobilise them.
Three superior Qilin Guards soon showed up on the scene, yet only one managed to return to report – still better than the previous team. The trio managed to tag the tiger. Sadly, they weren’t able to inflict any damage. Instead, the tiger fell them with its claws and tail. The only guard standing, seeing no hope after his colleagues dropped, ran off to report.
The sleeping dragon, Long Zaitian, was finally enraged enough to personally take to the battlefield. In his younger days, he went into a mountain to test his mettle on tigers, slaughtering eight of them back to back. Had the locals, who worshipped tigers, not gone after him with axes and sickles, Pissing Dragon would’ve also been conferred the title of Tiger Slayer.
When Long Zaitian encountered the tiger, he tore off his clothing. “Wine!” Long Zaitian took the wine jug off the man next to him and knocked off the cork. With every drink, his eyes glimmered brighter and brighter.
“They call me Three Bowls Erection! The more I drink, the stronger I become. You probably haven’t heard of Wu Song slaying the tiger!” Long Zaitian flexed his arm muscles and twirled his wrist. “See this casserole-sized fist? Have y, oi! Screw you! Don’t just bite me out of nowhere! Let go, or I’ll hurt you! All right, let’s throw down!”
Thus began a short skirmish.
“Wait, that’s Shaolin’s Damo Palms!” Long Zaitian spun to block another two claw attacks, though the left one was actually a finger attack. “Have some shame! Shaolin’s Yizhichan?! You raised at Shaolin Temple?!”
Has this tiger evolved or something?!
Long Zaitian finally caught a thrust and scoffed, “Prajna Palms, huh? Eh? Sweep?! Play fair! How the hell does a tiger use kicks now?!”
In the end, the tiger used its tail to swoop Long Zaitian to defeat, though the two hour match bought enough time for the other elites to arrive.
“… This is the tiger of legends?” Shen Yiren shoved Long Zaitian’s face away with her foot when he tried to cling to her leg.
“Miss Shen, hit the tiger, not the wounded!”
“Your mom is the tiger, you inbred! It’s a human being!”
The “tiger” indifferently licked its claws. Judging from the length of its tongue, it was a human tongue – if not shorter than the average human tongue.
“It’s clearly a man in a tiger’s fur. I’ve been saying there can’t be an active tiger on a mountain in the middle of winter,” grouched Shen Yiren. “Who’s the fag who claimed it’s a tiger?”
“I don’t know!” Long Zaitian answered.
All the Qilin Guards: “Vice-Captain Long!”
“Will it cost you a leg to tell a lie, you nimrods?!” Long Zaitian reproached.
Su Xiao: “Stop sulking. Sister Shen hasn’t even hit you.”
“I don’t deserve this. It’s embarrassing enough to have my rear handed to me, and now I’m being told it’s not even a real tiger?! I’m going to kill myself.”
Shen Yiren voiced, “… They might be a decent fighter, but they’re not tough. Mountain Monster, I leave them to you.”
Mountain Monster’s giggling came to an abrupt stop. “Who do you think you’re ordering around? Daddy here has quit Evil spirits and isn’t your underling.”
“That’s true.” Shen Yiren amiably dimpled. “I might not intervene when you beg me to, though.” She then mouthed, “Consciousness. Restraint.”
“Fine, Shen Skank! Sleep with your eyes and ears open! Wait for the day I blow you all into mincemeat!”
“Make sure to use more than one bag of powder, then.”
“Tch! Team One, give me a weapon!”
The leader of Team One offered up a broadsword: “Master, your broadsword.”
Mountain Monster kicked her subordinate down the mountain and brayed, “Why the hell would I waste my precious weapon on a tiger?! Give me a big manure fork!” She then turned back to the tiger and fumed, “Daddy is going to put a new hole in this tiger!”
Wu Song slaying the tiger – Water Margin anyone?
Yizhichan – Literally, one finger zen. From the official Shaolin syllabus: “Start by going from open hands to fingers. Next, do not use your hands. Every day, practice piking off the wall on two fingers to build strength in the fingers (https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRhqb1clgNKkcMM9iLtAo0lmuUMDtcnDmKmug&usqp=CAU but fingers on the wall and feet behind your torso). … Once you have practiced daily for more than 30 years, move on to the next stage – get in the same position as a tiger’s stretch (https://i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000092671092-52xtyl-t500x500.jpg_). Once you can perform dozens of repetitions of pushups in this position, you have mastered the skill.”
Originally, it had no connotation with a martial art skill but the study of zen. As an extra piece of information, unlike other zen-based systems, which focus on isometric training, Yizhichan also incorporates movement (as you can see from the instructions to perform pushups).
Mountain Monster and “Daddy” – Yes, she refers to herself in a condescending tone and using a masculine form.