On the Rail
“As I gaze at the flowers on the eaves, I see ubiquitous signs of war in the capital.” I melancholically gazed at the eves whilst uttering Shifu’s insulting attempt at poetry.
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I am Ming Feizhen, but you can just call me Coollord. Long-time no see. Time flies, hey? It’s been a sprint from Nanjiang back to the capital and equally busy in between, so I really don’t want to go there. Be free, you know? Be free. Don’t shackle yourself with the past.
Like the rail and table on the top floor of Eight Deities Restaurant, there was a sadness in my heart that the clear and gentle breeze couldn’t blow away. As I gazed at the people on the streets, they gazed back. Could you blame them for admiring my dashing appearance?
Aye, thanks for the shoe, sir. Glad to know you agree with me. Love you, too.
I had met my fair share of such friendly people. I had experienced everything one could experience in their life, so what could rustle my feathers? What could rustle my feathers you ask?
“Throw him off!”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait! I’ll become salted fish if you throw me over!” I roared in a husky voice whilst grabbing onto the rails for dear life and trying to wrestle off seven big men holding me by my limbs. “Don’t be rash! Rashness is the devil’s sin!”
The boss lady of Eight Deities Restaurant sitting in front of me had her usual friendly smile, but what she said was, “Wait? Ming Feizhen, we’ve known each other for some years now, right? Over ten years if we count from the time your shifu first brought you to Nanjing, right?”
“Ehehe, yes, exactly. You were there for every step of my growth.”
“Exactly. That’s why I considered the yuzhu duck I raised a tribute when you insisted on eating it. I thought, ‘Well, it must’ve been a rough journey to come all this way just for it.’”
“Your wisdom shines again. It was rough.”
“I told you that you can’t eat the duck I raised because it was a gift for someone, yet you still ate it, but I let you off since you looked tanner than before.”
I wiped my eyes. “You are too understanding. Life has been really tough.”
She bent another extended finger. “You then ate nine pots of braised pork shoulders in soy sauce, a hundred and eight small dishes, three roast pork and drank twenty bottles of osmanthus wine, resulting in my customers being so awestruck that they forgot to order. I’m a tolerate woman, so I let it go, too. However, you can’t bloody dine and dash! Boys, throw him off!”
“Wait! Please, No! Sister-in-law! I really did forget to bring my wallet!”
Yes, I had fought a dragon in an underground palace, beheaded a bandit leader hiding behind his army and scrapped with adepts across the land, but I had no idea how to escape this predicament!
She swung down a butcher knife, sticking it into the wood right in front of my eyes. “You eat me into closing shop and then tell me you don’t have money. Cut the bullcrap, and tell me when I’m getting my money!”
Why was I in that situation, you ask? Because dining and dashing was predicated on being able to outrun your chaser. Thing was, I couldn’t outrun them. You forget I couldn’t use any martial arts skills now?
I poked my tongue out.
“You think you’re funny?! Eunuch him!”
“No, no, no, no, I was not poking my tongue out at you. It will be here soon! I swear on my life the money will be here in a sec! Mr. Shi, say something! What happened to our brotherhood?”
Mr. Shi timidly poked his head out from behind his wife and, in a barely-audible voiced, uttered, “I…”
Mr. Shi’s wife: “Shut up!”
Mr. Shi: “Right away.”
You! You and my shifu make men look bad! Take a page out of my book, won’t you?!
“Hahaha, Sister-in-law, you grow more and more beautiful by the day. Are you on some sort of special diet?”
“Don’t ‘haha’ me. Pay up.”
I pulled the most intimidating face I could with all the saliva on my face. “Sister-in-law, on account of our long friendship, please let me go for today!”
“… It’s precisely on your account of never paying in all these years that I’m flared up right now!”
“Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Let’s change the topic, okay?”
I never paid? Oh, damn…
“Enough. Can’t pay? Throw him.”
“No! Don’t!”
“Wait.”
I looked in the direction of the voice to see a maiden who’d wipe me off my feet without saying a word. “Boss!”
I knew I was right to worship you!
I was worried the likes of Liu Yan picked up the pigeon I sent to Liu Shan Men for help; they were the sort of people to leave me for dead, after all.
Everyone stepped aside as Boss sauntered to me. Staring sternly, she asserted, “He’s mine. Nobody is to throw him.”
Boss, you the boss!
“Pull him back in,” ordered the boss lady. As she eyed me, she said, “Ming Feizhen, you have your ways, huh? Who’d expect someone of your calibre to have such a cool wife?”
Hey, lady, mind your choice of words. I don’t like what I hear. Does Boss look ugly or something?
“Spare me the nonsense. You knew we had work today, yet you started this fiasco. I thought this place was a shady place when I read ‘Bring money to Eight Deities Restaurant’ and came prepared to smash it, but it seems legit to me,” Boss stated.
The boss lady crossed her arms. “Of course it’s legit.”
“How much is the bill? I’ll pay. Let him go.”
The boss lady beamed. “Thank you very much. His bill comes to a total of two thousand and four hundred taels.”
“Two thousand and four hundred?! Move. I’ll throw him!” Boss strode over and grabbed me.
I wrapped my arms around Boss’ waist as tight as I could. She was so much softer and smelt so much nicer than those burly men.
Boss proceeded to hammer me until I released her, then seized my collar. “What the hell did you eat, huh?! You eat the entire place?!”
“I… I… It’s a long story…”
Mr. Shi popped his out from behind his wife again to pull a face that read, “Your wife bosses you around, too, pussy.”
I will whoop your candy bum!
“Boss! Save me! Please!”
Boss Lady: “It’s fine if you can’t work the wok. You just have to reach into your pockets.”
Smiling, Boss uttered through her white pearls. “I’ll pay!”
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