Crazy Mountain of People at Liu Shan Men
The Princess glanced at me with her gaze beaming with a heroic resolve to kill. She then swept her pure white thigh across and kicked me toward the edge.
While I still had my dumbstruck expression on, the Princess looked at me and mouthed, “You can, you up!”
‘Yo, our Second Princess has real world experience! She even knows English now!’
‘But does that mean that I have to take all the blame?!’
The Princess shot me a death stare with an expressionless face. She used Voice Transmission in conjunction with her stare to say, “You’re a man, so you solve it.”
Then, similarly to a wife expressing disdain for her useless husband, kicked me off the bed. Following my tumble, she immediately pulled the bed curtain shut.
Our silent conversation only lasted for an instant before the door fully swung open.
Seeing me stumble a few steps and almost trip, Liu Yuan felt perplexed, “What are you doing? Toad jumping?”
“I just woke up and was exercising.” I then angrily asked, “What are you in such a rush for? You dying?”
“Look at the time. Morning passed a long time ago. You’re… fully dressed and you’re saying you just woke?”
‘Thank you, captain obvious! I haven’t slept for three nights and just went to smash someone! It’d be strange for me to not be fully dressed!’
“I sleep how I please, what’s it to you? Aren’t we having a meeting? Let’s go; to the Vermillion Hall we go.”
Liu Yuan stopped me, though. He glared at me, “You want to go to the Vermillion Hall? We’re holding the meeting right here.”
He then turned to face the people behind him, “Everyone come in.”
I then saw my comrades at Liu Shan Men file in one by one, including Tang Ye. Over ten of them came in.
“Wh-What’s this about?”
“Vice-captain gave the order before she left. She said that you needed to sign all of the documents in the office during her absence; otherwise, they weren’t approved. You haven’t come to work for a single day in all these days; consequently, there’s a pile of things awaiting your decision.”
‘Huh? For real?’
I swept my gaze across the group. Besides Zha Pi, Tang Ye is a Baihu while Liu Yuan is Official of Miscellaneous Affairs. They’re officials, and so are the others. Some were elders who’ve stayed at Liu Shan Men for a long time. For instance, there was the uncle in charge of the armoury and the chef, yet all of them were awaiting a decision from me, a mere commoner.
Liu Shan Men emphasises pragmatism over rankings, which is why authority and official rankings are two separate matters and depends on the constables. At the moment, I am the only head constable at Liu Shan Man’s branch in Nanjing.
‘No wonder why they have to listen to me.’
As for signing documents, if my memory does me justice, I think Boss said that I have good handwriting, and therefore told me to sign documents. That way, we, at least, wouldn’t look embarrassing…
Liu Yuan elaborated, “Over the last few days, you’ve either gone to attend court meetings or come up with excuses to go off and play. You’re never in the office. You think you’re hot after winning the Imperial Martial Arts Tournament, do you? We’re all present today. We’re staying right here until you finish signing the documents. Don’t you even dream of escaping.”
Liu Yuan spoke with an imposing manner. The others didn’t speak, but exuded a similar demeanour, nonetheless.
I shot Tang Ye a glare. He was enjoying a mantou in his hand. He supinated his hand as if to shrug and signal that he was helpless, “I was kidnapped here as soon as I got to the kitchen.”
‘Oh, so you tried to get ahead, but were caught in their ploy, too!’
‘Whatever, whatever, I can’t leave so many matters at the office unsettled, either.’
“All right. We’re holding the meeting in my room, right? Fine. Wait up.”
I quickly went back to the bed and whispered, “Wifey, we’re having a meeting. Don’t make a sound in there.”
I wasn’t sure if it was due to the misunderstanding from before or what, but I ended up remembering the word “wifey,” and consequently blurted it by accident.
The Princess didn’t answer.
Before I realised my error, I added, “Otherwise, it would be bad if news if it reaches His Majesty. Your marriage to me is set in stone. The reason you do not want to get married is because what is done is done. You cannot refund it, can you?”
I wasn’t sure if she was able to comprehend my true intentions behind my cheeky words or if she just had a good grasp of the situation, but she didn’t give a response.
I didn’t dare to leave the Emperor’s daughter here and ignore her, though. Subsequently, due to my doubt, I added, “Hmm? Okay? Say something?”
After some time, the Princess finally whispered, “Ming Feizhen… do you know why my alias is Blood-stained Glass?”
‘Huh? Why is she suddenly bringing that up?’
“It’s because my sabre is called Glass. Further, I never show mercy to villains. If I encounter traitors of orthodox sects or bandits and bullies from the unorthodox sects, my blade will never be sheathed until they are dead.”
She then made a pause. I could hear a sound, which was apparently the sound of her blade sliding against its sheath.
Then I heard, “I’ll wait for you to come back.”
‘Fuck me! This is what they call ‘the blade must be swung down after it’s raised’ is it?! You want to cut me up with the sabre you use to cut down notorious criminals, because I touched you?! It’s one thing for me to not be afraid of you, but if you’re going to stay here for over ten days, would I even dare to sleep at night?! I haven’t slept for three days, and I’m very sleepy, damn it!!’
I returned to my desk with a restless mind. Due to my table not being wide enough, I stacked the books up. My visitors came over with each of them bringing a bench over to sit down on; meanwhile, Tang Ye nonchalantly stood next to me as he ate his mantou.
Each of the visitors held thick stacks of paper and revealed excited looks in their eyes.
I looked at them feeling slightly perplexed. I then said, “All right, if you have business, speak up. Who needs a signature?”
I regretted my question afterwards, for the entire venue went out of control.
“Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!”
“Us! Us! Us! Us!!!”
As they fought for priority, they shoved a pile of paper onto me. Boss had left for just three days, yet to my surprise, there was a mountain of work.
“Our internal department needs more clothing!! We need underwear, outer wear, cotton pants, pants for winter and large cotton-padded jackets!!”
“The kitchen needs more knives! Thick knives, thin knives, long knives, short knives!!”
“Our armoury needs more broadswords and sabres! Broadswords! Broadswords! New broadswords! Oooohhhh!!”
“We constables need more dishes! We don’t want vegetables anymore! We want mushrooms, tofu, chicken thighs! Oooowww!!!”
“We want to knock down the walls to the female constables’ courtyard! We don’t want to be single! We want to have girlfriends! Ooohhh!!!”
“The daily work hours are too long! I want to go on strike! Ooohh!!”
Zha Pi went beyond. He removed his clothes to reveal his thin torso. He grabbed the table as though he was Xiang Yu, who was about to lift the cauldron on tripods. However, his version became the toad letting out sensual moans. He shook as he roared, “Ooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!”
‘Zha Pi was normal and serious just a second ago, yet out of the blue, he turned into an orgasming animal orgy!’
The frenzied crowd surrounded me and tugged me here then there, and then back. I was akin to a small boat that was thrown around by big waves.
‘So, to sum up what you’re saying, you need money, correct?! Why do you need to be so worked up?! You’ve turned normal requests into something resembling a script!’
‘Oi, you, the one that asked to knock down the walls to the female constables’ courtyard, are you still a constable or what?! How did a borderline criminal get into Liu Shan Men?! By the way, even if you did knock the wall down, you can’t even beat them! You’d be turned into their toy or something instead!! As for you, the guy who wants to go on strike, didn’t you come to substitute for Gramps Huang? You’re a temporary substitute; strike your ass! You’re screwing with me, aren’t you?!!’
‘Zha motherfucking Pi, you never said a thing! You just started shouting!! What fucking document is a miscellaneous worker coming to my room to talk about?!’
I didn’t hear a single major issue despite the ruckus they were making. They were all trivial issues in the office, yet they were all worked up as if they were discussing a national or clan vendetta.
‘If our soldiers at Northern Xinjiang were as courageous as you lot, our nation’s map would expand by one-third!!’
The nutcases pulled me back and forth. Even my clothes nearly ripped. Tang Ye choked on his mantou as a result of the abrupt change in the situation. He stood to one side with a pale face and duked it out with the mantou in his throat.
‘What’s with these people?’
I suddenly noticed the pursed-lips-evil smile that Liu Yuan wore on his face. As soon as he noticed my gaze on him, he immediately unleashed his pretence acting skills. He picked up a cup of tea from the table and had a sip. He nonchalantly remarked, “My, my, smooth and exquisite. Truly fabulous tea.”
‘Oh, so you were the mastermind behind this!!’
* You can you up – It’s Chinglish. The original phrase in Chinese is 你行你上. As a complete phrase, it would be translated (context dependent) as something along the lines of, “You do it if you’re so good.” The author wrote this phrase in its Chinglish version and wrote MFZ’s “excuse me,” which came before that in English, too. Princess Hongzhuang says this in English.
** Toad Jumping – Squat down. Come up on your toes. Place your hands behind you. Now bounce up and down, back and forth, and anything else you can come up with in that position. That’s what we call Toad Jumping in martial arts.
*** Xiang Yu is a historical figure with unusual physical strength. The original Chinese phrase is 霸王扛鼎, which literally means “Overlord/Hegemon Lifting a Cauldron.” Xiang Yu declared himself Overlord during the Chu-han warring period, which is why the “overlord” part of the word refers to Xiang Yu, and the rest refers to his feat of strength. It can’t be translated as “overlord,” as nobody would understand the reference.
**** We keep talking about the broadsword; so, how does a broadsword in action really look? Find out at this link => https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1zrOlGSqJw