Bring Me Some Braised Pork Shoulders with Soy Sauce
“It’s the Five Poisons Divine Water. It must be the Five Venoms Divine Water!”
“No, no, no. The Five Poisons Divine Water is highly toxic. Those poisoned by it die upon contact. Mr. Ming is still alive so it can’t be that. It must be the venom from a Golden Crowned Snake combined with celandine etc.”
The three doctors surrounded Ming Feizhen who was lying on the bed asked to check his pulse and kept babbling non-stop. The three of them argued back-and-forth with no one agreeing with the other. And in the end, they still couldn’t determine what the venom was.
Chen Bianque said: “It’s the Five Venoms Divine Water. How could it not be?! I know this venom best. It’s definitely the Five Venoms Divine Water!”
Doctor Li said: “Golden Crowned Snake. Not only the venom of a Golden Crowned Snake, but also celandine without a doubt.”
Doctor: Zhang said: “I believe they are correct!”
Su Xiao standing at the side was anxious watching them. He suddenly recalled something: “Gold! I remember there was a box of gold in Cha Yuan’s tomb. We took it back with us as evidence. Brother Ming said he wanted to keep it safe and held onto it all the way back.”
Zha Pi who was also watching from the side got excited when he heard there was gold in his old man’s tomb and jumped up and down. He quickly became extremely concerned and said: “Master Ming, for your safety’s sake, I’m going to frisk you!”
He checked all over and touched something that felt like a box in Ming Feizhen’s arms.
“Is this it?”
As soon as Zha Pi extended his hand out to grab the box, Su Xiao called out as soon as his finger made contact: “Don’t touch it carelessly! Don’t you see that Brother Ming’s been poisoned? That thing definitely contains poison.”
“What’s wrong with touching it for a bit? You think the gold is poisoned? If all of the gold had poison on them, Master Ming would’ve been dead ages ago.”
Before he could finish speaking, Zha Pi started twitching like he had an epileptic attack and retching. His face then changed colours. His skin looked like it came alive as though there were countless worms wiggling around underneath his skin. Those who saw it were scared shitless. His face was swollen like a ball before he could even say three sentences. His face turned so purple it was freakier than a dead boar’s head.
His mouth went completely numb and he could only groan non-stop. It was an evidently frightening condition.
Doctor Zhang clapped his hands and said: “Looks like this kid is history.”
Chen Bian Que got surprised and said: “That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. These are the symptoms of being diagnosed with the Five Venoms Divine Water.”
Doctor Lee said: “I guarantee that he’s also been poisoned by a golden crowned snake and celandine. I’m absolutely positive!!”
Fuck me… Are you people going to save him or not?
I awoke… Wait, no. I never passed out in the first place. I just took the opportunity to pretend I passed out in order to stop the Orange Prince’s commotion.
But I can’t believe the gold had poison. Who would’ve thought I’d get poisoned… And Zha Pi was on the verge of death.
Su Xiao anxiously shouted: “S-save him!”
Doctor Li asked: “Save him? How?”
“Isn’t it your job to figure that out as a doctor?” Su Xiao watched them stand still and got more anxious.
“Since you know what the venom is why can’t you save him?”
Chen Bianque answered sincerely rightfully as a doctor: “Brother Su, you’re young so you don’t know have much knowledge of old things. The Five Venoms Divine Water was specially concocted by Yuntian Palace. Once you get poisoned with it, death is certain. Who could save him? It’s best that you put some distance between yourself and him. The purple spots on his skin contain venom. If you get any on you, you’ll be done for.”
Doctor Zhang said: “I think they’re right.”
Doctor Lee sighed and said: “He’s dead for sure. He’s dead for sure.”
“What do you mean he’s going to die?”
I opened my eyes, extended my hand and made contact with Zha Pi’s wrist. Using my internal energy to get rid of the venom would take too long, and it’ll cause too much noise, which will cause suspicion to arise. Therefore, I decided to use another method and gently mustered up my energy.
“Urgh… I… I’m dying. I… Eh? I can speak now?”
The swelling on Zha Pi’s face was reduced. His mouth which was only able to groan and moan could open.
What I did was suck the venom in his body into my own. I can’t do that under normal circumstances, but since I was poisoned right now, I had several hundreds of times more venom inside my body. Since the venom shared the same characteristics, it was easier for me to suck. And naturally it was collected into my body.
I sat up. There was nothing wrong with my body really. It’s just that my face was swollen.
The three doctors who saw me sit up rushed over to ask: “You’ve been poisoned with the Five Venoms Divine Water, the venom of a golden crowned snake, and celandine. You shouldn’t even be able to move a finger right now, right?”
“Don’t push yourself. Don’t push yourself. Stay laid down. Let me check your pulse.”
“Uhm, that’s right.”
I lifted my hand up and drew circles in the air with it.
“What Five Venoms Divine Water? I just got a bee sting while we were out in the wild, alright?”
If you’re going to diss someone, make sure to completely shut them down.
The three doctors’ expressions changed countless times. They looked at each other and then they all awkwardly laughed together.
“I knew it was a bee sting at first sight. I just wanted to test the medical skills of my two old friends, so I didn’t mention it.”
“I had the same thought, Brother Li.”
“I believe they are correct.”
Zha Pi who just recovered hopped up and said: “You useless old farts! You said I was going to die for sure just before, didn’t you?!” The punk lifted up a wooden bench and hit them with it. He then started chasing the three doctors around in the room before taking it into the courtyard.
Su Xiao crept over quietly like a mouse and asked in a concerned tone: “Brother Ming, are you alright?”
I weakly answered: “What makes you think I’m alright? I got poisoned… I just acted fine like that to piss off the doctors. Su Xiao, I’m dying.”
“BROTHER MING, DON’T DIE!”
Yeah! I’ve almost got full marks for acting.
I gently scrubbed Su Xiao’s head like a father that was about to pass away. I don’t know what Su Xiao was thinking, but he started crying.
“NO! NO! DON’T DIE BROTHER MING!” Su Xiao grabbed my hand and placed it on his supple face. His supple and smooth hand skin…. Shit, are you really a guy?!
Su Xiao acted like he was sending off a dying family member and said: “BROTHER MING! Hang in there!”
“Su Xiao, I’m not going to make it. However, I still have a wish I haven’t fulfilled.”
“Tell me! I’ll see that it’s done!!”
“Haaa… I really want some braised pork shoulders with soy sauce from the Eight Deities Tavern.”
Su Xiao’s cries became muffled: “B-but Brother Ming, I still don’t feel like our friendship has developed to the point where I need to treat you to a meal. Would it be okay for you to take that regret with you to the grave?”
I angrily jumped up and exclaimed: “WHAT?! Our friendship hasn’t developed to the point where you can treat me to some braised pork shoulders with soy sauce when I’m on my death bed?”
“Get lost, you’re totally fine! You were just pretending!” Su Xiao pulled a funny face and continued: “No way am I buying it for you.”
Huh? I was busted already? So… Is Su Xiao supposed to be smart or stupid?
Su Xiao wiped his eyes and asked: “But are you sure you’re alright?”
I waved my hand and said: “I’m fine. What’s a bee sting or two to a man?”
“But your head…”
I checked myself in the mirror and found that the venom was indeed accumulating in my body and still had some affect. The bumps on my head hadn’t gone away yet. Strange, this venom is pretty strong. One who’s mastered Yi Jin Jing shouldn’t be affected by poison. Tai Chi allows me to move my internal energy to my liking. But they seem to be of little use against this venom. Perhaps all three doctors are right in their diagnoses. Perhaps this venom was concocted using the Five Poisons Divine Water, plus the venom from a golden crowned snake, plus celandine and the sort combined.
Fucking hell… Who’s the devil? Who wouldn’t fall for a box with poison.
I suddenly heard a cheerful laughter from outside.
“Hahaha, I heard you were full of energy after being poisoned. It looks like they were right.”
The emperor then entered the room. Why’s he here?!
The emperor doesn’t look like he’s here to find faults with me. He’s also laughing happily.
“All of you, leave. I want to speak with this child in private.”
Speak in private?!
Does he want to close some sort of deal?!
I pretended to struggle to get up and was weak. The emperor opened with: “Don’t worry about greetings. I’m not so arrogant that I’d have a patient perform formal greetings. Is your name Ming Feizhen?”
What the? Why does the emperor care so much about me?
Could it be… I looked at the emperor. He had a special compassionate look in his eyes. It’s not an expression you’d have when meeting somebody for the first time. Could he have recognised me?!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1 Bonus Son-con Chapter
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