Liu Shan Men and the Three Departments – Three Teachers and Their Students
The vassals already left Wuying Hall, leaving only the vassals the Emperor asked to stay behind. He grumpily stroked his beard from his throne.
Su Xiao and Tang Ye were present on orders. As such, they stood still at the centre of the hall with their heads down. Su Xiao glanced side to side to satisfy his insatiable curiosity. It wasn’t his first time there. He was given his promotion at Hall of Supreme Harmony last time; however, unlike Tang Ye, who joined the Seventeen Hidden Dragons and frequently visited, he rarely entered the palace. For that reason, he couldn’t resist quietly admiring the stately edifice.
Tang Ye was stoic and indifferent to the atmosphere in the palace. He bore a striking resemblance to Secretary Leng in that aspect. If it was under different circumstances, the Emperor probably would’ve laughed at the two. For now, he had his head down similarly to an exhausted man. The Emperor weakly called, “My vassals.”
The six secretaries immediately bowed: “Present…”
Asked of the Emperor: “What do you think? You think holding conferences every morning is too tiring? You think the policy is inhumanely tiring?”
The secretaries exchanged eye contact and shook their heads vigorously. They responded in unison: “Not at all. Not at all. It is very humane! Very, very humane!”
The morning conferences were the time for the monarch to discuss matters. If the Emperor refused to attend them in the future, later generations would charge them as corrupt and undutiful vassals. The secretaries all had their own unique skill sets and were respected individuals of the era. They wanted to ensure their name and reputation was recorded in a positive light in history. They would rather die than leave behind a tarnished name. Feeling that their response was insufficient, they added, “We are all elated to be part of it!”
To their surprise, the Emperor didn’t go along with them. Instead, he slammed the table!
“Why is Ming Feizhen late again?!” blustered the Emperor, blowing his beard and glaring. “Does he think he can come and go from Hall of Supreme Harmony as he pleases? The time before the last, I praised him for curs-, ahem, defeating over a dozen warriors and kindly rewarded him. He decided to tell me he got lost and rocked up two hours late. Last time, he disappeared for over two hours after the first round of the fuma selection and claimed he got lost again.
Oh, but that’s not all. This time, he still hasn’t shown up after I finished with my morning conference, while his colleagues arrived before the morning conference. See this? Look. He signed in already. He’s on the palace grounds. Is he lost again or something? What’s wrong with my palace? Do people get lost so easily in the palace? Huh?”
Not a soul dared to raise his head or utter a word… except for Su Xiao, who suddenly argued, “Your Majesty, that is unfair judgement.”
Besides Secretary Leng who was indifferent to the matter and Secretary Lie who wasn’t listening whatsoever, the other four were scared out of their wits. They say being around an Emperor is the same as sitting on a tiger’s back. Though the reigning Emperor seldom acted arbitrarily and killed, as vassals, one had to consider their future. Offend the Emperor, and one’s future was almost guaranteed to be in tatters.
The Emperor fumed, “How am I not being fair? Xiao Han, don’t shelter him. Look. This is his signature! The motherfucker even wrote his name with eloquent handwriting.”
The secretaries were glad on Su Xiao’s behalf; he was lucky the Emperor didn’t take him seriously. If he did, in the best case scenario, he’d cane Su Xiao. In the worst case scenario, he’d be stripped of his rank. Would you treat it lightly?
Su Xiao surprised everyone present. He puffed his cheeks and argued, “It is unfair!”
Thought the four secretaries had: “Kid, are you trying to challenge your limits?”
His Majesty: “How am I being unfair?”
“You cannot compare Big Brother Ming to the average person. He is this stupid!” rightfully declared Su Xiao, drawing a big circle in the air with both arms. “He is so stupid you could hold an exhibition, and people would pay to watch his foolishness. His brain does not function. He is unlucky, and he is ugly. How can you make comparisons between him and the average person? In your subject’s opinion, he is definitely lost in the palace. Then, he ran into someone who hates him, and they scolded him. You see, he is stupid, bad with words and has the type of face everyone has an urge to hit. Therefore, it is perfectly normal for him to be late.”
Su Xiao successfully had the Emperor’s brain doing laps. The latter said: “That makes me feel better…”
Su Xiao literally cursed Ming Feizhen on behalf of the Emperor, thereby soothing the Emperor’s rage. Eventually, he smiled.
Surprised, Tang Ye commented, “Xiao Han, I never thought you’d come up with this idea to help Big Bro.”
Su Xiao: “Help him? I didn’t. I was being absolutely honest.”
Tang Ye: “…”
“As that is the case, I shall get to business.” The Emperor cleared his throat: “Yesterday, I had a long discussion with the six ministries heads and the prime minister. I decided to help support Liu Shan Men to promote talented individuals to serve the imperial court. I have asked the respected veterans here to take you thr-, two in as students. You will study at the six ministries with your teacher. You will have a one month probation period to see how you fare.”
The six secretaries had no escape after the imperial decree reached them yesterday.
Tang Ye and Su Xiao were startled upon hearing of it for the first time. Su Xiao’s was dumbstruck as Secretary Lie the first time the latter heard about. In a nutshell, the Emperor didn’t speak Su Xiao’s language. Tang Ye had a brief silence to himself before holding his hands in a cupped-fist salute: “Your Majesty, your subject is beyond grateful for the kind gesture. However, as a martial artist, your subject has only ever held weapons; he does not understand formalities and pleasantries. He is afraid he will offend the ministers.”
“I’m aware of what you’re concerned about,” responded the Emperor, smiling. “I’ve always been aware of your temperament due to your background in the pugilistic world and your dislike for rules. That applies for Xiao Han as much as it applies for you. You spend most of your time among the people; you have not worked as officials properly. Nevertheless, that is precisely why I need you to learn how to work as an official under these secretaries. You are young at the moment, which empowers you with boundless opportunities. Do not be complacent, and talk yourself out of realising your potential. Think about Yiren. Though she’s a famous figure in the pugilistic world, when has it ever been easy for her in the imperial court?”
Tang Ye tacitly nodded.
Su Xiao: “But, Your Majesty, Big Brother Ming is not here y-“
“He has no chance. He’s already twenty-eight years old. I’m only letting him join you to make up the numbers,” frigidly interjected the Emperor. “He can choose any teacher he wants.”
Tang Ye couldn’t refuse when the Emperor was so adamant. He glanced over to Su Xiao to signal: “Who are you choosing?”
The two conversed with their eyes until the Emperor irritably asked, “What? Do you two still need to think it over?”
Hands in a cupped-fist salute, Tang Ye answered: “Your subject hereby gives you his gratitude. Your subject wishes to learn from Secretary Lie. As he has served in the military for his entire life, he is a competent general capable of training troops for battle. He is the type of person your subject would like to learn from. Therefore, your subject requests permission to join the military and study under Secretary Lie.”
Lie Jingchan laughed: “Your Majesty, as you can see, I am still quite popular. The young man is quite decent. I shall take him in.”
While the Emperor just smiled, Su Xiao excitedly declared, “Can I study under Secretary Lu, then, Your Majesty? He has lots of fun things to play with. Children from my hometown of Suzhou grew up playing with toys he invented.”
The Emperor maintained his eyes and squinted: “Don’t rush. Don’t rush. I have decided who you will learn from already. It is written in the accordion. Wang Tushui.”
Eunuch Wang picked up the accordion and handed it to Su Xiao and Tang Ye. Tang Ye figured it would be boring with anyone but Secretary Lie only to learn the Emperor already had arrangements in place. Tang Ye took the accordion and opened it. Upon reading its contents, he furrowed his eyebrows thinking, “Secretary Zhang? I am going to the Ministry of Personnel?”
When Tang Ye glanced over to Secretary Zhang with his head down, it was clear he was one who valued literacy far over martial arts.
Su Xiao sighed aloud, thinking. “Secretary Leng? The Ministry of Justice’s ice cold secretary?”
Su Xiao glanced up at Secretary Leng, who stood as still as a statue. His eyes were open, but Su Xiao wasn’t sure he could speak.
The two constables looked at each other, and then looked back at their future teachers: “They’re our teachers? You’re not serious!”
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“Please accept me as your disciple!” shouted the boy clinging to my waist. “I hit you with several palm attacks, but you never felt any pain! You must be very skilled. Please teach me martial arts!”
‘Hey, hey, hey! What are you talking about soy-bean-face kid! General Manager Bai is right here! Also, she also has her faced smothered in soy bean milk! Hang on. Her body, hair and face are all covered in soy bean milk. In fact, it’s still dripping from her hair, and I can see through her chest region. It’s all your fault, naughty kid!’
The boy had no self-awareness. If anything, he was jubilant: “Accept me as your disciple! Accept me as your disciple!”
‘Piss off! As if I want a kid with such bad luck for a disciple!’ General Manager Bai wasn’t even half as angry as she is now when I saw her at her angriest!’
General Manager Bai quivered. Her snow-white face was bright red. She was going to erupt!
I instinctively wiped General Manager Bai’s face… She reactively jerked backwards, but let me wipe her face in the end. I thought I sensed her anger dissipating as I wiped her face.
‘Is General Manager Bai a tsundere?’
General Manager Bai suddenly pinched her eyebrows together: “… What’s that smell on your hand?”
‘My hand? Oh, I don’t think I washed my hand after eating the crullers for breakfast… Oh, so I just spread oil on her face.’
Bai Lian: “Why do I smell oil on your hand?”
Me: “Uh, uh, crullers and soy bean milk are a better combination in the imperial palace’s backyard.”
Bai Lian “…”
General Manager Bai pulled my hand off. I took out a handkerchief from my shirt. She was so angry that she stood still as an ice statue. Soy bean milk trickled down her small face. She was in a vengeful mood. I reached for her face with my shaky hand holding my handkerchief.
Bai Lian vindictively warned, “Don’t touch my face.”
Frightened, I jerked back: “Okay, okay, I won’t wipe your face.”
What else could I do but wipe her chest…? Out of nowhere, Bai Lian slapped me across the face!!
‘Fuck! Why?!’
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