I solemnly said, “Nier, I still want to go.”
Nier sat up from the ground and, hopeless, she sighed: “Did you go see Lucia? Why is that that you randomly get excited every time after seeing her? Dear, do you really want to go?”
I affirmatively nodded: “Ah, I do. I won’t let you go alone. I’ll come with you. Nier, I really want to go. I want to witness this. I want to kill the wyrm for myself; not for Ying and Xia. Just for myself. Nier, I really want to go. I really want to go!”
Nier let out a heavy sigh: “I shall choose to do my best, since you have made your decision. Dear, we shall go, as you want to slay it, but you must keep yourself safe. Don’t let anything happen to you.”
I nodded, and then walked up to Nier’s side to give her a gentle hug. She didn’t speak or hug me back. She just stayed in my embrace. I gently stroked her back then softly asked, “What’s wrong, Nier. Are you angry?”
“Mm,” responded Nier, in a muffled voice. She chose to be forthright: “I’m truly very angry. I’m not angry at you but myself, and I’m jealous. I’m jealous of Lucia. I’m the same as her. I’m your wife, as well, and you promised to not be bias, but I’m still very jealous of her.”
That was what I afraid of most when it came to my wives. I treated Lucia and Nier the same way. I was afraid of one of them would say I was bias towards one of them. I, therefore, did my best to spend the same amount of time with each of them and split things evenly between them. I felt that was treating them equally.
“Because…” replied Nier, hesitant.
Nier raised her head. She had emotionless eyes in the past. This time, she revealed a strong reluctance this time, nonetheless. Her jealousy was strong enough to turn to hate. She took in a deep breath as though she was doing her best to stop herself from crying.
“I’m jealous. Too jealous. Why? Why is Lucia is able to raise your spirits every time…? Why do you seek her out whenever you can’t think things through? She can definitely raise your spirit, too. Why can she raise your spirit, yet I am forever stuck making you feel troubled…? I’m honestly jealous of her. Very jealous. Why…? How can she… understand you so well…?”
Nier’s tears started to slowly course down her face. Some say that tears taste sweet if they’re tears of joy, while tears taste salty if they’re tears of sadness. I suppose tears of despair and jealousy must taste as bitter as bile. She grabbed me tightly. In a shaky voice, she elaborated, “I’m honestly very jealous of her. Lucia understands you so well, while I don’t understand you at all… I don’ know… what you want to do and why you want to do things…”
I gently stroked Nier’s back. Voice quiet, I explained, “It’s all right, it’s all right, Nier. Lucia understands me, for we’ve been together for a very long time. Lucia and I are childhood friends. We’ve been together, since we were young. That’s how Lucia knows me so well. Lucia knows what I want to do and what exactly I want.”
Nier tightly gripped my chest and loudly shouted, “That’s why I’m jealous of her!! She’s far too high above me! Lucia spent too much time with you before I knew you. I thought time didn’t matter; I thought I could catch up, but I now finally understand that it’s not the case. Lucia grew up with you, so she understands you. You’ll always think of her whenever you’re at a loss. Why don’t you come to see me? Why…? Why…? I feel I’m inferior to Lucia… But you only feel that Lucia can provide you with direction when you’re at a loss… Why do you trust her so much…? Why can’t you reach out to me the same way?”
I had no argument, because Nier was right, for that was how I saw Lucia and Nier. Unlike my love with Nier, my love with Lucia didn’t comprise of a nightlife. We sometimes wouldn’t even be intimate, even during the day, but I’d seek out Lucia when someone tries to stop me and when I didn’t know what to do. It was probably because I trusted Lucia, and she always knew what exactly I wanted. Lucia knew what I wanted and thought better than myself. Moreover, she always stood by my side, regardless of what I said or wanted to do. She wouldn’t complain and protected me whenever I was in danger.
I think the time advantage in my relationship with Lucia was what made our relationship deeper than my relationship with Nier. Lucia and I didn’t need to cling together to share the same thoughts. Lucia and I weren’t a sweet couple, but the sort of couple that was comparable to a tranquil lake, and we had absolute faith in each other.
I believed Lucia would protect me, and I trusted her to support me. Similarly, Lucia would trust me and walk side by side with me.
I gave Nier a light hug, and then comforted her in a soft voice: “It’s all right, Nier. The only reason Lucia and I consult each other often, is because we were always together before, not because I love her more than you. I love you, too, Nier. My love for you is the same as my love for Lucia. I can’t say that I can give you exactly what you want, but I can guarantee I’ll give you my best the same way I do for Lucia. Nier, I spent a very long time with Lucia. In the past, we were together, but that’s fine. We don’t have a past, but we have a future. As long as we’re together, we can be the same, as well.”
Nier softly sobbed and rested her head on my chest. I didn’t continue to say anything. I, instead, hugged her tighter and slowly stroked her back and long black hair. She tightened her arms around me and quietly replied, “We will definitely have a future me. We will definitely have a future. I hope there will come a day where you can be by my side when you’re confused and lost. I won’t make you feel troubled again. I promise to do my best to understand you. I promise… Dear, in the future…”
“There won’t be ‘in the future’, Nier. I’ll always be by your side in the future. I promise. This is the last time I’ll be wilful. Believe me, Nier. I’ll be by your side in the future. I promise to be by our child’s side. I won’t endanger myself again. I promise…”